This post was inspired by one of my college friends while we were talking about other people (that is sooooo Filipino, LOL).
But we weren't talking about anything negative. In fact, we were actually talking about Filipino attitudes in general,
totally not attacking a person in particular.
WHAT WILL OUR NEIGHBORS SAY?
This is a translation of "Ano na sasabihin ng Kapitbahay natin?"usually a common meme in a Filipino household regarding a family's reputation.
This is very common.
If you are a Filipino (or probably also true to other Asians or other countries that have a collectivistic culture)
then you know exactly what I am talking about.
Filipinos always want to have bragging rights. And most often than not, they put the responsibility of gaining that right to their kids. Thus, they enroll their kids to ballet school, piano lessons, taekwondo, kumon (math and science advance tutorials), basketball, violin lessons and whatever classes either the kid likes, or a parent's childhood dream that never happened.
In every Filipino household, you will see diplomas displayed on the wall...
If not diplomas or graduation photos, it would be certificates of recognition, medals or trophies.
So that when the neighbor comes for a visit, the owner of the house will hear the ooooohs, the ahhhhhs and the woowwwws of the neighbors, like as if your house was a national museum.
Funny isn't it?
But it ain't funny when it's the otherwise. By that I mean when the child fails.
"What will our neighbors say?"
Sometimes, it's like this... "What will your Auntie Baby say????".... "What will your Uncle Jun say???".
(every Filipino just has to have an Auntie Baby or Tito Jun.. lol)
Whoever they are.... It matters.
And it is a big deal.
Im not saying that I hate living in a collectivistic culture, I love the family orientation and the warm helpful attitude of Asians, and especially the hospitable attitude of Filipinos to any stranger. It's just that it's funny that most of the time... Even when you are no longer living in Asia "What will our neighbors in the Philippines will say" still matters.
Since I took up psychology, I cannot avoid that I always observe the behavior of other people. And as I interact with my friends of both Western and Asian cultures, I cannot help but compare.
It seems that, the famous line of our parents "what will our neighbors say" has instilled in the minds of the child with their own similar version of "what will my friends say".
When I say similar stories to two friends of my friends with opposite cultural background I also get two different reactions:
I have to admit though, that I also sometimes become that "Asian friend".
That shouldn't surprise me at all, because... well... I'm Asian.
And I can't avoid not to think about
"what our neighbors will say".
25 comments:
great post! got me thinking for a while- I took a break after college too before enrolling into a credentialing program- so i was "a bum" for a while too
I've definitely heard about this. It's kind of odd now that in the states it's pretty much accepted and common now for college graduates (early/mid 20 somethings) to be "in transition" between school and jobs, etc. It's actually interesting because I remember when I was in high school and in college I would talk to my mom and people of her generation and they would all say "I could never take a year off from school, I would never go back!" I feel like what was once taboo, is now completely commonplace and actually encouraged to a certain extent.
Having grown up with a lot of people from all over, I have been witness to the pressures of the filipino and other asian cultures...I can't even imagine it. I didn't ever have pressure like that, but my future was somewhat expected of me. Now that I don't really know what I'm going to do with my life...it's still somehow acceptable.
So what DO your neighbors think?
Karen: LOL, well ... i think they think I'm wasting my time... but life ain't over till you're dead right? :)) --- what do you think? ... from your perspective do you think that the "asian" pressure is somewhat positive especially when it comes to discipline? :)
i love your insights girls!! i hope i get more! i would love to here what other people would think about this ...
and oh Karen, i rather refer it as my "gap" year.... =))
I had a handful of "gap" months.
I think that the pressure CAN be positive because it places expectations on kids who would normally have no direction and gives them something to strive towards/aspire to be. However, I think at a certain point, once a kind finds their niche very little pressure should be applied from the outside. I think at the point, a kid has a sense of self enough to be self-motivated (or at least they should once if they've been pressured correctly in the past). I think too much pressure causes resentment. A kid needs room to live and make choices and strive for things and set goals because they want to, not just because they are being forced to.
Pressure from parents and society lays a foundation and perhaps gives an outline of what's to be expected, it's a person's job to actually strive for those things and fulfill those expectations or at least create new ones for themselves.
I think a lot of the problem with Western culture these days is that nothing is expected from these kids. They feel entitled to things they haven't worked for and have no guidance or positive pressure towards what they "should be doing". Instead they go about their lives with no goals and no dreams and end up getting stuck in that "gap" way too early and honestly...perpetually.
I, sadly, have a very grim outlook on the teenage generation these days.
The West needs to pressure their kids more, the East might want to lighten up.
Who knows what's the best though. That's just my opinion from what I've seen.
I was smiling in agreement the whole time. Coming from a Filipino family, I've been there many times for sure. If not neighbors, what our relatives will say matter so much that even borrowing money just to put something grand on the table for Christmas or any Feasts is considered. I have nothing about our culture, aside from incomparable hospitality,I love the idea that Filipinos are constantly happy people despite every adversity. It's just sad that most of us spend our lives pleasing the people living next to our house.
It's a really wonderful post Toni. And hey, don't worry, I'm your Asian friend who'll tell you; "Take your time and damn, I envy you".
@karen, lol ... everything very well said :)
your last line was funny and true in a way though... about the west and the east =) ... understanding cultural differences is indeed amazing, and it's funny when it's extremes. It's like coming from two different worlds. The Ying and the yang.
I am totally curious how parenting will be addressed and what will become of our "future kids" when it's our generation's turn to be the one on the working class. (I mean yeah, we're already part of the working class but most of the kids of our peers are still, well.. kids... I'm saying like if our kids turn into their 20's I wonder what will become of them and what kind of parenting our generation will adapt since, we already "learn" and know what our parents did right and did wrong for us..)
@Marriane,
Thanks, I'm glad that my self judgement for the culture is somewhat true... it IS really funny when you think of the phrase "ano na sasabihin ng kapitbahay natin". We may hear other versions but it still implies the same meaning. We are so conscious of what our neighbors will think because Filipinos can be truly such gossipers. That attitude, I can TOTALLY observe here in the states because it totally stands out from the rest. Probably because Americans are too busy and Filipinos have too many time in their hands so they end up just merely gossiping. lol
Do you also have an Auntie Baby or Uncle Jun? lol
what will neighbor say... uggg I hate this sentence. It just irritates me to the bone.
@jyoti, does it apply to your culture to? :))
nice graphics. lol. :P not in the mood for 'intellectual discussion' so i just found this really funny. :P
LOL Its universal Toni :D
so well-written, this was. and HOW TRUE TOO!! lol. my parents are so strictly from this school of thought that i've found it rubbing off on me (subconsciously) now the more i take shape as an adult. especially the bit about being mortified to be a "bum forever". but i guess i can respect the fact that some people want time-off only because i find myself wishing for the same although truth be told, the minute i get the slightest bit of freedom i feel totally lost and unproductive and want to jump right back in to immersing myself in things to the point of suffocation!! LOL. guess it's always gonna be a push-pull / love-hate thing that all stemmed from the pressures i faced (from my parents) growing up and the kind of mentality my generation in this current society has today.
the bit about every family having an "aunty baby" or a "tito jun" cracked me up!
@rlynn, thanks... I put all my effort in creating them :))
@jyoti, not the same on the other side of the world :)
@sugarmouse it was hard for me too when I decided to quit my first job... I felt that it was such an irresponsible thing to do, but what can I do... I was practically dragging my legs and body out of bed. And I didn't want the quality of my performance to get affected. So I resigned. It felt sooooooo good. But at the back of my mine, conscience was shaking it's head in disapproval. lol ... It's really from the upbringing and influence of the type of society we grew up with.... society DOES dictate what is right or wrong anyway...
It does... may be in a redundant form. This feeling of comparison with neighbors and relatives and the elite ones is always there.
At some places people talk about it in a big where as other keep a lull, overcome it or ignore it.
agreed, toni but if you think on it deeper, who is society? aren't we it? therefore isn't it about time for the mindsets and mentality to change? there's some food for thought... (:
thank you for commenting back on my blog. it always makes me happy to know that there are people out there who care enough to read my drivel lol.
In India it varies from family to family...
and people here take "gap" only for preparations of competitive exams.
I must say one things friends are the ones who always support u. No matter what u do. At least I am blessed to have such good friends.
@jyoti you're right that as human beings which ever part of the world you are, most people cannot avoid comparing theirself. but the social ladder and comparing self with other people.. is different from ACTING a certain way because you are conscious of what other people will say towards you...
comparing and being conscious.
two different verbs.
people from individualistic culture, such as america, care less about what other people will think.. compare to countries in collectivistic. wherein opinion of other people are valued more :)
and about the gap year, for other countries students take a gap year, in which they do something aside from school. and taken from the word "year" .. it obviously isn't just a "few months". So, it's pretty much normal that if you stopped school for a while. Some countries even oblige students to take a year off.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gap_year
@sugarmouse agreed, so if you want to have your own mindset apart from what society is dictating, and... just like you said you want a time off... .... then therefore you should! :)
@jyoti, also.. i think BOTH type of friends are good type friends.. they just show it in 2 different ways based on their upbringing and what they value.
the asian friend is showing concern, while as the
western friend is showing support :)
I couldn't think about what to say. My mind is fried from watching the news. One thing though, those stick figures=awesome. :)
gahaha.. thanks rocket...
yeah Toni u r right.
It was a fun post, it feels so good to interact like this on various topics.
@jyoti agree :) so many things are discovered. I'm looking forward to getting more ideas like these to post. But probably not always since it's mind draining. Will still continue my photo day challenge :))
By the way Jyoti, did you see the wiki pedia Link? :) it wrote exactly what you said the reason for having gap year in India :)
nope No Wikipedia
Because I know it. Here in India students take gap only for competitive exams only. Its a fact :)
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